This isn’t how I would have liked to introduce myself. But as a reporter of life in a semi-uncensored manner, I am delving into a topic that might make you uncomfortable. It’s OK to keep reading, though. We are all uncomfortable, hanging on to this earth together, as she spins into the dark and then the light, and then the dark….
My dear cousin died this past weekend at the tender age of 31. And I am reminded viscerally of other moments of heartbreak, the ones most of us have known. There is that sense of drawers being emptied out, when the contents of your brain and heart go spilling onto the floor. You stand there perplexed at the emptiness of the drawer that was just full.
Yes, it is quite easier to physically replace contents from an actual drawer than it is to refill a broken heart or reroute a brain thrown off its network of paths. But even physically, once a drawer is empty, you suddenly realize how much old crap you have in there. Receipts from 2008, lists of classroom lesson ideas from your first semester, pictures you finally had printed of your wedding or your child and then forgot about. At that moment, you see how unorganized you are and how much unnecessary stuff you cling to, in addition to the number of valuable treasures that you do nothing with, like the broken strings of poetry strewn about on scraps of paper.
My heart and my brain are stumbling and fumbling, helplessly spinning in the dark, waiting for the dawn to emerge. But now that I am here with these life lessons, church sermon quotes, and lifelong dreams dumped into my lap in a way only death can do, I see glimmers of new truths and new light on the horizon.
In the blackness of space we must face at some point, we are given a great gift. We are even called to action, if we are listening closely. Now, is our time to reflect and reassess. I am seeing so much misused time, misused worry. Time and energy wasted by distractions from a brain clogged with traffic.
And for having the ability to see this time for what it is, a time to replenish and re-nourish, I am grateful. There is so much value in living in and through the dark.